A Beginner’s Guide to the She-Wee

A beginners guide to the She-Wee
Penis envy is something I have always denied. It is hard to deny however after you have squatted in a thistle patch in the dark with a bladder that just won’t wait. Thankfully Kat and I had brand new Extreme Traveller She-Wees. Nato green for Kat, purple for me. The instructions suggest trialling your new best friend in a shower to avoid mishap, we had no such luxury. This is the method I would suggest for the first time user:

  1. Deposit pride and Englishness safely with your friends
  2. Arm yourself with baby wipes and your she wee, then move to a secluded spot
  3. Remove all your clothes from the waist down, including shoes and socks
  4. Look around the field to assess for the approaching farmer who’s land you are trespassing on (realise that you should have prioritised this prior to removing all your clothes from the waist down.
  5. Check wind direction and position yourself accordingly
  6. Stand with legs akimbo
  7. Insert, yes insert the she-wee. Aim for a snug fit
  8. Relax and let it flow
  9. Do not be distracted by idylic scenery, the stars or the strange rustling in the undergrowth. Ladies watch your aim.
  10. Notice that you didn’t account for splash back. Deploy multiple baby wipes to feet, shins (knees?). Don clothes.
  11. Cockily return to the group to collect pride, Englishness and hand sanitiser.



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